Hi Jessica, so glad to find your work! My own struggles with inflexible thinking have only been a sliver of what you experience - I (just diagnosed ADHD and maybe a couple autistic tendencies) could usually go along with the change if needed, but it took a toll on me, not least of which because I didn't recognize how difficult it really was for me.
I agree with Tara that fixating on that first solution or decision is what feels most safe when trying to think through all of the alternatives will produce overwhelming anxiety. And I completely agree that the idea that we 'should' be able to think differently is not only supremely unhelpful but actively counterproductive (hello, demand avoidance) to actually being able to think differently.
Before my ADHD diagnosis, I was working on all the anxiety that I now know goes hand-in-hand with it. My therapist at one point defined inflexible behavior as control - we know that finding a different solution is going to be super stressful, so we do everything we can not to have to do that. But, as much as it's a cliché, control is also an illusion - we can't actually lock all the things we want into being exactly how we want, so we end up setting ourselves up for having our expectations disappointed as well, which is also super stressful.
At some point I decided I needed something positive to do to counteract these tendencies, and the answer for me to control and anxiety was trust. I've been working for a while now on finding things I can trust in a situation where different thinking is required or desirable (negative self-talk is a biggie) that might calm the anxiety and allow me to be okay with releasing some control. It could be my own past experiences (what else do I know that I like?) and in-the-moment assessments (when I was talking to that person, did I think they thought that? No? Then do I really need to second-guess that assessment now? OR What part of this task really needs to be done now? What part is really bugging me or will there be actual consequences for?). Or find something else you can trust, perhaps stats if numbers are meaningful to you - whatever you can put your trust in to feel 'maybe there is another way'. It takes a lot of work to start, but every time I successfully redirected that reflexive clamping down on a prior decision despite it no longer really working, I found relief and grace for myself. And it (eventually) gets easier with practice. 😅
That's a lot, I know, I hope not too much. My heart is with you on your journey. 💛
This is something it took a while for me to spot in myself and one of the reasons I only realised I'm autistic 3 years ago at age 41. Morgan Foley's video is so relatable (I love her content!) as is "But WHY? WHY AREN’T THERE ANY RASPBERRY FRIANDS TODAY??”". This is me at cafes quite frequently!
Glad this is relatable to you! I’m not overly familiar with Morgan Foley’s content, but the video I included here is spot-on! Thank you for commenting :)
Hell yes do I struggle with this! It feels like my brain's been taken hostage when something doesn't go as planned or I'm expected to be flexible when I have little bandwidth to do so. It's so validating to read someone else's experience with this. Thank you.
I feel like the 'rigid thinking' is often a safety net, a framework that we can exist in that gives a sense of trust and reliability. I Really don't mind change in most senses but there are some things where predictability is a lot more important. When it comes to food I am very rigid, It needs to be done/ cooked/ presented in the right way or it is a no-go for me!
Oh yes, I think we can all tell from this post that food is a big one for me too! I find it really hard to eat at other people's houses for that reason. I really like your description of rigid thinking as a safety net - I hadn't thought of it that way. And I definitely agree that in some things predictability is more important, especially for us neurodivergent folk.
Oh me too, and I have been shamed and embarrassed so many times about my ‘oddness’ with food. I now realise how much it is a part of being Autistic. Yes, I agree in some things predictability is so much more important for us peeps!
Thanks for sharing these examples of inflexible thinking in your life! I’ll often go several weeks without observing inflexible thinking in myself, but then I’ll have one plan change and find myself being angry and needing more naps for a few days afterwards.
I can't say I've observed it that way in myself, but now I'm going to pay close attention to see if I experience it like this too...! This is interesting, thank you for sharing.
Hi Jessica, so glad to find your work! My own struggles with inflexible thinking have only been a sliver of what you experience - I (just diagnosed ADHD and maybe a couple autistic tendencies) could usually go along with the change if needed, but it took a toll on me, not least of which because I didn't recognize how difficult it really was for me.
I agree with Tara that fixating on that first solution or decision is what feels most safe when trying to think through all of the alternatives will produce overwhelming anxiety. And I completely agree that the idea that we 'should' be able to think differently is not only supremely unhelpful but actively counterproductive (hello, demand avoidance) to actually being able to think differently.
Before my ADHD diagnosis, I was working on all the anxiety that I now know goes hand-in-hand with it. My therapist at one point defined inflexible behavior as control - we know that finding a different solution is going to be super stressful, so we do everything we can not to have to do that. But, as much as it's a cliché, control is also an illusion - we can't actually lock all the things we want into being exactly how we want, so we end up setting ourselves up for having our expectations disappointed as well, which is also super stressful.
At some point I decided I needed something positive to do to counteract these tendencies, and the answer for me to control and anxiety was trust. I've been working for a while now on finding things I can trust in a situation where different thinking is required or desirable (negative self-talk is a biggie) that might calm the anxiety and allow me to be okay with releasing some control. It could be my own past experiences (what else do I know that I like?) and in-the-moment assessments (when I was talking to that person, did I think they thought that? No? Then do I really need to second-guess that assessment now? OR What part of this task really needs to be done now? What part is really bugging me or will there be actual consequences for?). Or find something else you can trust, perhaps stats if numbers are meaningful to you - whatever you can put your trust in to feel 'maybe there is another way'. It takes a lot of work to start, but every time I successfully redirected that reflexive clamping down on a prior decision despite it no longer really working, I found relief and grace for myself. And it (eventually) gets easier with practice. 😅
That's a lot, I know, I hope not too much. My heart is with you on your journey. 💛
Hi Ann, thanks so much for your comment! I agree with everything you said. You might enjoy my posts on demand avoidance, here (https://neurodivergentnotes.substack.com/p/living-a-low-demand-lifestyle) and here (https://neurodivergentnotes.substack.com/p/am-i-demand-avoidant).
Thanks for those, Jessica - I'll check them out!
This is something it took a while for me to spot in myself and one of the reasons I only realised I'm autistic 3 years ago at age 41. Morgan Foley's video is so relatable (I love her content!) as is "But WHY? WHY AREN’T THERE ANY RASPBERRY FRIANDS TODAY??”". This is me at cafes quite frequently!
Glad this is relatable to you! I’m not overly familiar with Morgan Foley’s content, but the video I included here is spot-on! Thank you for commenting :)
Hell yes do I struggle with this! It feels like my brain's been taken hostage when something doesn't go as planned or I'm expected to be flexible when I have little bandwidth to do so. It's so validating to read someone else's experience with this. Thank you.
Glad this resonated with you, Ang. A delight as always to know that my words validate someone else's/our collective experience 😊
I feel like the 'rigid thinking' is often a safety net, a framework that we can exist in that gives a sense of trust and reliability. I Really don't mind change in most senses but there are some things where predictability is a lot more important. When it comes to food I am very rigid, It needs to be done/ cooked/ presented in the right way or it is a no-go for me!
Oh yes, I think we can all tell from this post that food is a big one for me too! I find it really hard to eat at other people's houses for that reason. I really like your description of rigid thinking as a safety net - I hadn't thought of it that way. And I definitely agree that in some things predictability is more important, especially for us neurodivergent folk.
Oh me too, and I have been shamed and embarrassed so many times about my ‘oddness’ with food. I now realise how much it is a part of being Autistic. Yes, I agree in some things predictability is so much more important for us peeps!
Thanks for sharing these examples of inflexible thinking in your life! I’ll often go several weeks without observing inflexible thinking in myself, but then I’ll have one plan change and find myself being angry and needing more naps for a few days afterwards.
I can't say I've observed it that way in myself, but now I'm going to pay close attention to see if I experience it like this too...! This is interesting, thank you for sharing.