Living a low-demand lifestyle

Demand avoidance, spoon theory, and nature walks

A chatty/rambly voiceover to accompany this post, if you prefer podcast-style content:

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Yesterday I took a mid-morning walk with my dog through beautiful nature reserve and thought to myself, for the umpteenth time, how grateful I am to be able to do this on a weekday. To be out in nature by myself, with nowhere else to be, and everything else on my to-do list able to wait until later.

I felt profoundly grateful that, largely thanks to my husband’s support and understanding, I have been able to craft a low-demand life for myself. To begin with it was somewhat unintentional and, to be honest, accidental, considering I had to slow down and eliminate excess demands to prevent further burnout. And even now, as I have emerged from the worst of it, I am aware that my pace of life has slowed and my calendar is quite empty, and I like it that way. I am in no rush to create a more demanding life for myself.

For me, a low-demand lifestyle means spending less time on what I need to do and having more time for what I want to do. That’s my personal definition anyway. I’m sure the official definition is quite different, if there even is one, and yours may be different again. Spending time on what I need to do looks like keeping up with the cooking and cleaning, attending necessary appointments, and all the things that keep the wheels of everyday life turning. Spending time on what I want to do looks like reading, playing guitar, nature walks, and anything that involves a special interest or puts me in a flow state.

As I reflected on my accidental-turned-intentional low-demand life, I came up with a list of things that have helped to reduce the amount of demands on me.

Here’s 5 things I do that help me live a low-demand lifestyle:

• Eliminate. I ask myself if the thing actually needs doing in the first place. If it doesn’t, then do I want to anyway? Surprisingly a lot of things fall in the grey area in between - the demand needs to be met, but not beyond the basics, or minimum requirements.

• Delegate. I do most of the housework (willingly, I might add) but I also delegate some tasks to my husband. For example, I don't iron. If it's a low-spoons day I remove the self-imposed demand to do the food shop in-person and simply order online. Other times, when I have more spoons, I can easily spend an hour perusing the shelves, like I did last week.

• Consolidate. I plan time during my days and weeks as ‘free time’ (ie. when there are no demands on me and I can spend the time how I wish). In reality I may choose to spend that time doing things someone else may consider demanding, but I'm doing it because I want to, and that makes all the difference. As I was reflecting on this I realized that I also schedule the demands I do have so that they are batched together at certain times of day; this way I know that the time in-between tasks/demands is ‘free time’. This isn't necessarily about having more demand-free time than not, but simply making sure there’s a balance so I enjoy regular demand-free time alongside my responsibilities.

• Automate. Recurring calendar reminders, scheduled payments - anything I can set and forget, I automate. Personally I think some people take automation to extremes, but I also don’t see the point in doing something manually that could be done automatically. I try to strike a balance here, and I suggest you do the same.

• Regulate. I try to remind myself regularly, especially if I'm feeling overwhelmed, that many demands are internal - things I think I should do, and not what actually needs doing. This helps me to let go of the internal pressure I feel which frees me up to focus on the necessities as well as what I actually want to be doing.

There are certain things that are more conducive to a low-demand lifestyle - for one, I don’t have children. I’m also not working right now, although I hope to one day turn this newsletter into a source of income. Not having to work is a huge relief for me as I have not yet held a job without eventually succumbing to burnout.

Recently my husband and I talked about seperation and it threw me into a state of flux - how would I maintain a low-demand lifestyle when I may have to return to work out of financial necessity? How would I juggle everything (a house, a job, a life) on my own when I've never managed to do so successfully before? These questions and more I am currently navigating.

Soon I will be writing about Pathological Demand Avoidance, or PDA. This is different from the everyday demand avoidance we all feel regarding things we don’t want to do. From my research it seems the main difference between ‘normal’ demand avoidance and the pathological sub-type lies in a person with PDA being unable or struggling to do that which they want to do, not just that which they don’t. However there is more to it than that - particular criteria have to be met in order to be diagnosed with Pathological Demand Avoidance; not everyone who experiences demand avoidance meets the criteria for the pathological sub-type.

My research seems to suggest that the neurodivergent community has very varied experiences with demand avoidance. Some people can’t tolerate many imposed demands at all but they tolerate self-imposed demands just fine, whereas others seem to rebel against social or societal norms - such as saying goodbye to Grandma, wearing shoes in a supermarket, or appearing happy to see someone when they’re not - but are fine with other types of demands. It’s wild to me how our collective human experience can vary so greatly under the same banner of ‘demand avoidance’.

One thing’s for sure - nature seems to be a great antidote to the rules and expectations placed upon us in our increasingly demanding society. I know it certainly is for me.

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I would love to know your thoughts on this topic. Like this post if it resonates with you, and leave a comment to share your experiences with demand avoidance. I’ve been enjoying private conservations with some of you through messages, so feel free to drop me a DM for a more in-depth chat about this topic (or anything neurodivergent-related). If you’ve enjoyed this post, subscribe to receive future posts by email, and don’t forget to share with someone who you think would enjoy it too. Til next time - J x