On being inflexible
Routines, rigidity & the need for sameness
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Inflexible thinking, sometimes referred to as rigid thinking, is a common trait in autism. I am autistic and ADHD, and as I get older I can see more and more rigidity in my thinking. Maybe it’s partly because I’m fast approaching 30 and as we age we become more stuck in our ways, but I know it’s at least partly due to autism. I am what could only be described as a fairly inflexible person, meaning I am not very ‘go with the flow’ at the best of times, and I generally prefer to stick with the pre-determined course of action unless my ADHD spontaneity takes over.
As this article by Allie Mason says, ‘I’ve also always found it difficult when confronted with the unexpected. That could be anything, from a last-minute change of plans to something simply not turning out the way I’d pictured it in my head.’ Allie couldn’t have described it better. I like following through with what I’ve planned to do, so if my plan changes, or something throws me off course, it requires me to consider possibilities different to the ones I’d already planned for, or picture scenarios different to the ones I’d already pictured in my head. This can quickly lead to overwhelm as I suddenly have to consider a multitude of different things that I wasn’t expecting to deal with, or face different scenarios thrust upon me that I wasn’t prepared for.
I know that my inflexibility impacts on other people. Heaven help my husband if he moves one of my books where I had set it. I once asked him to get up when he sat in my usual spot on the sofa, and although he laughed at first, a quick glance at my face told him that I was indeed serious. On that particular day I couldn’t cope with sitting anywhere other than my usual spot.
If we go out to eat and I find that the menu has changed, or they are out of stock of my preferred food, things can quickly escalate into shrieks of “But WHY? WHY AREN’T THERE ANY RASPBERRY FRIANDS TODAY??” Thankfully I have never actually said this to whoever the nice person is who is waiting to take the order. I simply stand there, immoveable, and look mournfully at where my preferred food usually resides, or I stare at the menu where my favourite meal used to be listed until my husband persuades me to try something else (quite a feat, I assure you).
Last week I had a mini-meltdown because the toasted croissant I had spotted had already been sold to someone else, and to make matters worse, they didn't have any more croissants in stock. Picture the most forlorn face you ever did see, and that was me. Cue wailing into my husband's ear with tears in my eyes: ‘But I - I didn't want a toasted sandwich, I - I wanted a toasted croissant…’ (is there a food theme here? Maybe I need to delve into that in a separate post… or maybe I just need therapy).
These are a few examples of the types of things that can throw me into a spin, mostly down to inflexible thinking. It’s illogical, I know. It’s illogical to feel out of sorts when plans have to change, and it’s certainly illogical to become teary-eyed over a raspberry friand; but in the moment, logic doesn't matter: I am stuck in inflexibility, and it feels like wading through treacle to signal to my brain that it must switch from one predetermined course of action to another.
Telling myself I should be more flexible doesn't help either. Instead I try to remind myself that it's ok to be emotional over something as seemingly small as a friand, or a croissant, or my book having been moved a few inches, or not being able to sit in my favourite spot at a café, or whatever it is that’s upsetting me. It’s ok to be disconcerted when something doesn’t turn out the way I had planned or visualised. No matter how illogical it may seem to anyone else, the fact that I'm in a spin about it (even if it’s only internally, and no-one else would know) means that it mattered to me, and that’s ok.
I also want to add a disclaimer here and say that although some of what I’m describing here may sound to you like OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), I personally don’t have OCD. I know this because I have been professionally assessed on three separate occasions and do not meet nearly enough of the criteria for diagnosis, so for anyone wondering if my inflexible thinking and need for routine is a result of OCD, the answer is no.
I also want to acknowledge that whilst people with OCD may struggle with some of the things I've described in this post, my research suggests that a lot of the obsessive compulsiveness of the disorder is in regards to a need for repetition, not necessarily a need for things to go as planned. However, if you identify with anything in this post and you haven't been screened for OCD, it might be a good idea to pursue a formal assessment to rule it in/out.
The irony with inflexible thinking is that, thanks to my ADHD, I actually quite enjoy change. I am quite a changeable person and I enjoy change when I have asked for it, when I make it happen, or when it happens on my terms. Sadly this is not very often! As fellow autistic writer
wrote: ‘a sudden change that comes from outside of myself, another person or just life, I find very hard to process. Depending on the impact of it on my life and depending on my mood and energy level, I may or may not get anxious, angry or have a full blown meltdown or shutdown if it’s really bad.’ I don’t often have full-on meltdowns or shutdowns - in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever let myself experience that fully, at least not in public - but like everyone, I have better days and worse days. Some days I can accommodate a lot more changes to my routine or things not going as planned, and some days I absolutely can’t. I try to improve my inflexible thinking to deal with the latter.
As with most things in regards to neurodiversity, inflexible thinking is an ongoing challenge. I work on my mindset a lot, I challenge my thoughts and perceptions, I regularly make myself do things differently so as to not get stuck in a rut (even if it’s as simple as taking a different route to the park), and I listen to meditative podcasts that supposedly rewire my brain. But I am also self-aware enough to know that I probably can't cure my inflexible thinking altogether - it is a part of a condition I have called autism, so it is highly unlikely that I will one day become a super-spontaneous, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of person (honestly, that doesn’t even sound fun to me!). But I try to improve, both for my own sake and for the sake of my loved ones, because it makes all of our lives much easier if I can be a little more flexible in our everyday life (not to mention more pleasant for my husband, who is my main support person/carer). I also try to be compassionate with myself because I know that in trying to think more flexibly I am going against the way my brain is currently wired.
I also accommodate myself by having a pretty predictable and ‘samey’ daily and weekly routine, along with a hint of variety to satisfy my ADHD. I try to see unexpected changes of plans as an opportunity for spontaneity. Something out of the ordinary could turn into something wonderful, even if it's something that’s hard to process in the moment. And if I don’t enjoy it, at least I’ll learn something from it.
I sometimes feel like I slide along the inflexibility spectrum throughout the day, week, and month, depending on what’s going on with me as well as where I’m at in my monthly cycle. I am grateful to have a supportive and understanding husband, and I am painfully aware that not everyone is so blessed. If that is you, I hope that you find true friends and a support person who gets you.
Inflexible thinking is essentially struggling to cope with change. It occurs when we are faced with change that’s forced upon us and we suddenly can’t proceed as planned. Morgan Foley talks about struggling with change in this short video:
As always there is overlap with neurotypicals too. Although inflexible thinking is usually talked about in reference to autism, it’s not as if the two are mutually exclusive. I have met many people in my life who may never meet the criteria for autism in a formal assessment, but they are very stuck in their ways and obviously have trouble adapting to changes in their routines or environment.
I think there’s a lot to be said on the topic of inflexible thinking, and it probably affects us neurodivergent folk a lot more than we realize. Do you also struggle with inflexible thinking? I would love to hear your thoughts - leave a comment to share your experiences, or feel free to send me a DM. Til next time - J x
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Hi Jessica, so glad to find your work! My own struggles with inflexible thinking have only been a sliver of what you experience - I (just diagnosed ADHD and maybe a couple autistic tendencies) could usually go along with the change if needed, but it took a toll on me, not least of which because I didn't recognize how difficult it really was for me.
I agree with Tara that fixating on that first solution or decision is what feels most safe when trying to think through all of the alternatives will produce overwhelming anxiety. And I completely agree that the idea that we 'should' be able to think differently is not only supremely unhelpful but actively counterproductive (hello, demand avoidance) to actually being able to think differently.
Before my ADHD diagnosis, I was working on all the anxiety that I now know goes hand-in-hand with it. My therapist at one point defined inflexible behavior as control - we know that finding a different solution is going to be super stressful, so we do everything we can not to have to do that. But, as much as it's a cliché, control is also an illusion - we can't actually lock all the things we want into being exactly how we want, so we end up setting ourselves up for having our expectations disappointed as well, which is also super stressful.
At some point I decided I needed something positive to do to counteract these tendencies, and the answer for me to control and anxiety was trust. I've been working for a while now on finding things I can trust in a situation where different thinking is required or desirable (negative self-talk is a biggie) that might calm the anxiety and allow me to be okay with releasing some control. It could be my own past experiences (what else do I know that I like?) and in-the-moment assessments (when I was talking to that person, did I think they thought that? No? Then do I really need to second-guess that assessment now? OR What part of this task really needs to be done now? What part is really bugging me or will there be actual consequences for?). Or find something else you can trust, perhaps stats if numbers are meaningful to you - whatever you can put your trust in to feel 'maybe there is another way'. It takes a lot of work to start, but every time I successfully redirected that reflexive clamping down on a prior decision despite it no longer really working, I found relief and grace for myself. And it (eventually) gets easier with practice. 😅
That's a lot, I know, I hope not too much. My heart is with you on your journey. 💛
This is something it took a while for me to spot in myself and one of the reasons I only realised I'm autistic 3 years ago at age 41. Morgan Foley's video is so relatable (I love her content!) as is "But WHY? WHY AREN’T THERE ANY RASPBERRY FRIANDS TODAY??”". This is me at cafes quite frequently!