Am I demand avoidant?
Exploring my response to demands + how to know if YOU are demand avoidant
Partly thanks to the popularity of my last post, partly at the request of readers, and partly due to my own research, I wanted to talk more on the topic of demand avoidance. Judging by the amount of likes, comments, and DM’s I received (as well as new subscribers - if that’s you, hello!) after sharing my take on a low-demand life, clearly the idea of living with less demands resonates with many of us.
And it’s no surprise - this publication exists primarily to serve the autistic & ADHD communities, and Pathological Demand Avoidance (or PDA, as it’s more commonly known as) is usually seen in individuals with autism, but is also associated with ADHD1. So whether you struggle with demand avoidance or not, identify as a PDAer, or are simply curious, welcome! Let’s dive in.
Firstly I think it’s important to note that PDA and demand avoidance are not the same thing. One is a human trait that all of us experience at one time or another (demand avoidance) and one is a proposed developmental disorder supposed to be a sub-type of autism (PDA), although it’s certainly possible to have PDA without autism too.2 There’s some debate as to whether PDA is actually an autistic sub-type or whether it even exists separate to autism at all.
So there’s lots that could be said about demand avoidance, especially PDA. For the sake of this post I’m going to talk in very general terms because I’m not an expert - I’m not an academic or a researcher, or even a clinician. I can only share from my experience and share what helps me to live a lower-demand life whilst also recovering from burnout.
So, as someone diagnosed with autism and ADHD, the following question has been bouncing around my brain: is my reduced capacity for demand due mainly to burnout, my neurodivergence, or demand avoidance?
BURNOUT
Whether you’re on the slippery slope to burnout, in the midst of it, or starting to recover from it, burnout can and does reduce our capacity to deal with demands, whether those demands are internal, external, necessary or self-imposed.
When I was in the midst of burnout even simple everyday tasks were a struggle. Everything seemed so hard, even things that had been relatively easy to deal with beforehand. It’s only now as I’m starting to emerge from it that I realize just how bad it was. I’m now feeling able to add some extraneous tasks and commitments back into my schedule, when a few months ago I seriously doubted I would ever get to this point in my recovery journey. As I am recovering I am able to cope with more demands than I was when I was in the thick of burnout.
NEURODIVERGENCE
I also think that being neurodivergent means that I tend to struggle with excess demands in general, without the potential added issue of demand avoidance. This could be due to difficulties with executive functioning or a variety of other neurodivergence-related reasons, but needless to say there are lots of things about not being neurotypical that make demands - any demand - inherently more difficult.
DEMAND AVOIDANCE
Although I am diagnosed with autism and ADHD, the two conditions most associated with PDA, I don’t think I have it myself. The online tests and questionnaires I’ve taken over the last few days (including this one) indicate ‘possible PDA’, so I'm not going to rule it out entirely, but my struggles with demand avoidance are certainly to a much lesser extent than many people deal with.
That said, I have less capacity for demand than someone who is neurotypical, but more capacity than someone with PDA, so this can be tricky to navigate. I can cope with a certain amount of demands to a certain extent, but I don’t do well with excess demands or an overly taxing or difficult singular demand.
Another question I’ve been mulling over is - who am I to live a low-demand life? If I don’t have PDA, which I probably don’t, then I don’t need an easier (ie. less demanding) life. I often think to myself that I should be able to push through and operate at full capacity (or at least close to it) because I don’t have a lot of the struggles associated with PDA.
But when I take a step back I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t make life easier or less demanding for myself, even though I have greater capacity for demand than someone with PDA. I don’t see why I should struggle with demands I have the ability to reduce or eliminate, or at least make more enjoyable.
The point I want to make is this - you don’t have to be pathologically demand avoidant to enjoy a low-demand life. Yes, there are demands we have to deal with in this life, and no, they’re not always fun, but there are things we can do to reduce the demands on ourselves, both the amount and their impact on us, so that we’re not constantly burning out because of them.
So these are some things I do currently that have helped reduce the demands on me:
Spoon theory. Since learning about spoon theory I have observed a noticeable difference in how I plan my days and weeks. Although spoon theory is usually referred to in regard to chronic illness, I think it has untold benefits for those of us who are neurodivergent, too. I find I schedule less each week and am better at pacing my days; I’m also more forgiving and accepting of myself when I don’t have the energy (physical or mental) to do what I had planned. If you haven’t heard of spoon theory or don’t know where to start, I encourage you to check out the resources listed at the end of this post.
Routines. I have morning, afternoon and night routines that tick off daily tasks from my mental to-do list. I also have a weekly cleaning routine which ensures the basics (and certain extra tasks) get done. Even though routines can seem a bit boring to my ADHD brain, they give my life structure and ensure that repetitive or recurring tasks are taken care of. This is important to me because when my chores are taken care of I have more demand-free time to enjoy.
Parallel play. Also known as ‘body doubling’, it’s essentially when you use the presence of another person (whether IRL or virtually) to help you accomplish tasks. I currently use body doubling for housework (I use the free podcasts from TOMM, but there’s also printable lists, an app, a Patreon and more) and I also sometimes use ‘study with me’ videos when I’m doing an admin task online.
Do it now. There’s a popular productivity hack that says “if it takes less than 5 minutes, do it now.” I try to subscribe to this because I know it makes a huge difference to how I approach my day; instead of keeping a mental or literal to-do list of tiny tasks (which only creates compounding demands I’ll have to deal with later) I try to do small things as and when they arise.
Mornings. I prefer to do most of my arduous tasks or anything more demanding in the morning so that the rest of my day is relatively free to do with as I wish. For example one morning each week I do all of my errands in one go. That doesn’t mean I don’t go into town apart from that one day each week, but I find it helpful to have one morning set aside specifically for those tasks. The rest of that day is usually quiet and spent at home. Also, there’s a catchphrase I love from a cleaning system called Flylady, and it goes something like this: ‘Get it done early so there’s more time to play!’ or, ‘When the chores are done, you get to go play!’ I like this approach and try to keep it in mind when planning my days and weeks.
Have to/want to. I learnt this from Kristen Carder. In one of her podcasts she talked about not being able to get herself to do something because she was telling herself that she had to do it. As soon as she told herself that she didn’t have to, it freed her up to think: okay, but do I want to? And surprisingly, for her and for me, the answer to the second question is often yes. [An example of this could be: I don’t have to go to the dentist, but do I want good teeth? Yes!].
There is so much I could say on the topic of demand avoidance, and much more research I want to do about it and share with you all. I would love to share more about living a low-demand life, so if that’s something of interest to you please let me know - whether by leaving a comments or sending me a DM. Feel free to ask questions or give suggestions for future posts so I know what to specifically address in the future.
✨ RESOURCES ✨
Feel free to check out the resources below and share with people who you think would benefit. If you know of other helpful resources please leave a link in the comments so other readers can check them out.
Spoon theory
Demand avoidance
PDA
Test for adults (find out if you have PDA)
Like this post if it resonates with you, and leave a comment sharing your experiences with demand avoidance. Feel free to DM me with questions, suggestions for future posts, or anything neurodivergent-related - I would love to hear from you! Share this post with friends or family, or share this publication with someone who you think would enjoy my writing. Til next time, J x
PDA is sometimes called Neurodivergent Demand Avoidance to acknowledge its presence across neurodivergence, not just autism, although I have also seen articles using ‘Autism’ or ‘Autistic Demand Avoidance’. To make matters more complicated, within the neurodivergent community itself it is often called ‘Pervasive’ or ‘Persistent Drive for Autonomy’ as a more neuro-affirming option.
‘At least three Non-autistic persons are present in PDA research samples’ - from The British Psychological Society, ‘PDA - A New Type of Disorder?’
I appreciate this so much. It's pretty validating because I also wonder who am I to want things to be easier for me when they really don't need to be? But they kinda do. What a battle. I for sure have PDA, so this makes a lot of sense. Thank you for taking the time to share. So valuable.
Thanks for this- I hadn’t heard of demand avoidance before. I will look into it more. It was interesting to consider your perspective on who am I to have a low demand lifestyle. I probably live a high demand lifestyle but my neurodivergent teen does the opposite. Lots to think about here!