Air-conditioning, sensitivity, 12 Rules for Life & other things...
Neurodivergence and sensory sensitivity
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Sometimes it feels like you’re doing everything right and it turns out wrong anyway.
In a post from a couple of months ago, I lamented the noise of our air-conditioning unit. Now I have a different problem - the noise of different unit! The split-system still works fine, but we had the evaporative system fixed to help cool the house (it’s summer here in Australia where I live). The only problem is… it’s loud. Very loud.
On it’s lowest setting, it may as well not be on because it doesn’t seem to be doing anything. But if I turn the fan up any higher it gets on my nerves so much that I’m considering turning it off and going back to the split-system. Help?!
I’m realizing that neurodivergence is a fine line between understimulation / overstimulation, at least for those of us with autism and/or ADHD. It’s a balance I’m always trying to perfect, trying to hit that Goldilocks sweet spot of not too hot, not too cold (in this case at least, quite literally).
I’ve come to realize that I’m a bit of a master at juggling, toggling, whatever you want to call it. But it’s tiring. It’s tiring to take action and realize it had the exact opposite effect of what you hoped for or expected; it’s tiring to constantly flick between tabs, whether mentally, literally, or metaphorically; and it’s tiring to walk that fine line between understimulated and overstimulated all the time.
Sometimes it feels like I just can’t win. Like I’m destined to fail because of my neurodivergence, since it seems to make everything harder when it doesn’t have to. As an example, I’m more sensitive to sights, sounds, and smells than the average person. People tell me to get over it, but how can I get over something that affects me so much?
As I sit here, sweltering under an air-conditioner that doesn’t seem to be doing its job properly, I’m reminded of the lyrics from the Kelsea Ballerini song ‘Just Married’: “I wasn’t made for fixing a plate, or keeping our problems buried…” I think this line resonates with me because sometimes it feels like I’m the only one bothered by something; here I am making a song and dance about it, when everyone else just shrugs their shoulders and says, ‘So?’
It’s disheartening to be affected by something so much but to receive so little sympathy or understanding in return, if any at all; to not be taken seriously because it’s something only I and not something other people struggle with. I wasn’t planning on writing this today but it’s pouring out of me because sometimes the level of annoyance and frustration I feel about these things is overwhelmingly negative… like today.
Just because it doesn’t affect you, can we please at least agree that it affects me, and very much so? My reaction may be out of proportion, but that’s because I have in-built sensitivity to certain things which means I therefore have a naturally lower tolerance for them. I can’t keep my problems buried, and neither should you. If something’s a big deal to you, I give you permission to make a song and dance about it.
Long story short, things are not working out as I hoped they would and I’m in a negative spiral about it. Since our thoughts inform our feelings I’m well aware the blame lies in the negative stories I’m telling myself about this situation, and I have every intention of rectifying that.
I’m currently reading 12 Rules for Life by Dr Jordan Peterson, and it’s illuminating to say the least. I’ve only read chapter one but already I feel like I’ve learnt more in those few pages than I have in my entire lifetime. This book seems to be all about taking responsibility, and since I like the concept of radical self-responsibility it makes sense that I’m liking this book.
I suppose what I’m trying to get at, in a very roundabout way, is that if something bothers us then it’s our responsibility to do something about it. Why wait for others when they might not be affected by it or understand where we’re coming from? It’s up to us to do what we can for ourselves. That fact can either be depressing or empowering.
In my previous post about sensory sensitivity I felt I had to “resign myself to my fate - a day indoors with too-loud air-conditioning”, but that simply wasn’t true and it’s not true now either. I don’t have to “ignore the noise of the extractor fan”, as I felt I had to then; I have choices, we all do, and it’s up to us to make different choices if we want a different outcome.
So please excuse me while I go and turn off the new air-conditioner. I choose to honour my sensory sensitivities, even if it’s an inconvenience to others, and I’m not ashamed to back it up with action.