A sensory nightmare

A winter day of sensory overstimulation

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The air-conditioner is too loud. So loud, in fact, that I get my husband to check for ‘quiet mode’. There is none. He goes back to whisking eggs and I grit my teeth as the sound of the fork on the glass bowl starts to annoy me. I’m hyperaware of the prickling sensation of synthetic leggings on my legs, but it's cold and I don't have anything warmer to change into. I can hear humming coming from the kitchen and although it's usually music to my ears it's now just an irritating noise. The kettle starts to boil. My frustration rises and I, too, boil over.

“JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” I say as he comes to ask me a question.

He backs away; I can see he's hurt. We both suspect that he is autistic too, but he doesn't suffer with sensory sensitivity the way I do.

I try to resign myself to my fate - a day indoors with too-loud air-conditioning, synthetic leggings and a myriad of sounds and sensations that will annoy me. It's not like this every day, although I do sometimes think that my sensory sensitivities are getting worse. I mentally wonder why and file it away under things I need to research at some point today.

‘Why does life have to be this hard?’ I wonder. Then I remember that my sensory sensitivities are always much worse in winter and that I basically survive for half the year until the turn of the seasons.

I hate having to think about clothing. In cold weather I find myself constantly thinking about my clothing and it exhausts me. Maybe that's because I'm quite tall and so colder weather presents the problem of fitting my long arms, long torso and long legs. In warmer weather I love being able to throw on a summer dress or shorts and a t-shirt and head out the door. Warm-weather dressing is, to me, the ultimate freedom. Who wants to be weighed down by multiple layers and heavyweight knits? Not me. I only have to look at a puffer jacket to feel like I'm suffocating. I think a lot of my aversion to cold weather comes down to the fact that I lived in a hot climate for over a decade til my early twenties, and I’m simply not acclimatised to colder weather yet.

Other issues I have in cold weather include chilblains, extremities that resemble ice blocks, cabin fever from being inside, feeling constantly cold but overheating as soon as I do any physical activity, and spending so much time and energy trying to keep warm that I am too exhausted to actually enjoy the nice “hygge” space I have created. Oh, and I love wood-burning fires but the mental load of constantly bringing in firewood and keeping the fire going is yet another plate added to an already-wobbling stack of tasks and responsibilities I have to do.

My quest for warmth has led me to the discovery of a new special interest of mine, passivhaus design, also known as solar passive housing. I was hooked on passivhaus design when my husband and I stayed in a small solar-passive retreat over our wedding; we only stayed two nights, but it had such an profound effect on me that I was immediately sold on retrofitting any house I live in to meet passivhaus standards (or at least come close to it).

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I can hear the wind howling through an open crack in the doorway and I realize that my face is hot and flushed from sitting next to the fire. My legs are cold. I look outside longingly only to be reminded that although the sun is shining it's too breezy for me to be out there today. I know I would only end up shivering and huddling back indoors under a blanket.

Instead I try to ignore the noise of the extractor fan and comfort myself in the knowledge that in a couple of months the seasons will change and I will once again be able to emerge, like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon. I will be able to pack away my long sleeve tops, long trousers and jumpers and pull out the wardrobe I don't have to think about, the clothes I can just put on and enjoy wearing.

It always strikes me as odd when people are nostalgic for winter days and that the “hygge” we’re all seemingly obsessed with is most often associated with winter. Don't get me wrong, I love cosying up under a blanket with a good book, playing board games by the fire, lighting a candle every evening and having quiet nights in as much as the next person, but I don't live for those days. Some of them are pleasant, but most of the time I feel too cold to really enjoy it.

I enjoy the “let’s go out” days, the days when I don't have to think about how many layers to put on and I can just grab my bag and sunglasses and go. Maybe this next spring and summer my mantra should be: Let’s enjoy the sunshine and warmth while it lasts - because sadly, as winter reminds us, it never does.

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Thanks for reading, and I wish you a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year! 🎄 Take care of yourself over the holidays, and looking forward to seeing you all in 2025!