A calm Christmas

How I do Christmas as an autistic ADHDer

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In an ideal would I would not think about Christmas until at least mid-December, but since the shops are full of mince pies and tinsel as soon as Halloween is over, it always prompts me to plan ahead. I feel like most of us do a collective downward spiral into festive chaos from October onwards, all in the name of Christmas: but what if Christmas could be different? What if it could be… calm? Slow. Simple. Considered.

I don’t consider myself a ‘slow living expert’ by any means, but I have enjoyed consuming slow and simple living content for many years. And as someone with autism and ADHD who lives a low-demand life, I enjoy slowing down, savouring, and living simply. For the longest time I lived a slow and simple life out of financial necessity, but even now that I’m in the best financial situation I’ve ever been in, my husband and I still choose to keep Christmas small and simple. That doesn’t necessarily mean forgoing presents or not having anyone over for Christmas dinner, but simply enjoying the festivities on a less grand scale that is less likely to lead to overwhelm and/or overstimulation.

There are lots of elements of traditional Christmas festivities that are overwhelming to me. I don’t really enjoy big Christmas dinners or lunches, I don’t go all-out decorating the house, and I don’t even particularly enjoy attending Christmas-themed events. Maybe it’s because as Brit in Australia I don’t find December an overly Christmassy time of year, but whatever the reason, I don’t enjoy the ‘over-the-top’ nature of festivities that Christmas celebrations tend to be in this day and age.

When it comes to Christmas (and any holiday), it’s about what works for you and your family’s needs. If you’re neurodivergent, or the parent of a neurodivergent child, you probably have to scale things back in order to prevent meltdowns. What’s the point in going all-out with decorations, holidays, and having people over when you (or your child) aren’t going to enjoy it? The meltdown isn’t unavoidable; it’s the response of someone with too much sensory stimulation and/or overwhelm.

So, what can you do? Here are some simple suggestions that might be a little late to use this year, depending on how much you’ve planned your Christmas already, but feel free to pick and choose what might work for you in years to come.

Pre-Christmas

• See friends and family ahead of time. My husband and I host close family on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day but keep Christmas Day to ourselves. Seeing friends and family in the leadup to Christmas can reduce the overwhelm of having to see everyone on the same day.

• Don’t decorate (or decorate sparingly). I enjoy a wreath, a twinkly tree and a few well-chosen ornaments, but that’s about it. I think a Christmas candle (or any old candle you have lying around) looks lovely on a dining table with some tinsel or greenery at the base. Of course if you have the time, money, and energy to go all-out with decorations, I’m not stopping you! - but please remember that what you put up, you have to take down again.

• Declutter. Avoid the post-Christmas clear-out by doing some gentle decluttering in the leadup to it. You might like to re-gift last year’s unused presents or donate them to charity, or set yourself a challenge to do a whole-house declutter throughout the month of December. Anything you can do to clear clutter, do it!

• Don’t go Christmas shopping. Wear any old sweater for your ‘ugly Christmas jumper’, use up old candles instead of buying new, or use leftovers in your fridge, freezer and pantry to create a ‘smorgasbord’ Christmas menu. Send mismatched Christmas cards leftover from previous years and cut down on (or completely avoid) shopping for presents by re-gifting, decluttering, or only gifting items that you’ve made or grown.

Christmas

• Keep celebrations simple. I love opening some presents on Christmas Eve instead of saving them all up for Christmas Day; that way you spread out the anticipation and excitement over a couple of days and avoid a whole heap of sensory overload on Christmas Day itself. It also helps to limit the number of activities and people on Christmas Day as well as over the whole festive period.

• Allow people to open their presents in private, if they so wish. You may have heard that neurodivergent people have a fear of being perceived; this occurs when someone is hyperaware of how others may perceive them, and can lead to masking and emotional exhaustion. It can be overwhelming enough for children and adults alike to have all eyes on them as they open gifts, not to mention the unspoken social rule that we have to be happy even if we don’t like what we’ve received. Allowing someone to open their presents in private enables them to go at their own pace and unmask.

• Have a safe space to go to. For me this is my bedroom, but it could be a separate reception room or some other space you can transform into a quiet nook. You might like to add some quiet activities such as colouring books (you can get colouring for calmness books for adults, too) or fidget toys.

• End the day restfully. Christmas Day is normally busy and stressful enough without staying up to watch a late-night movie or going to look at Christmas lights. Do those things ahead of time so that you can enjoy a quieter Christmas Day at home and end the day with a restful evening routine.

Post-Christmas

• Pack away quickly. I like to pack Christmas decorations away as soon as New Year comes as removing decorations cuts down on visual stimuli. I also recommend packing away or starting to use the gifts you’ve received.

• Decompress. It’s totally ok to spend that period between Christmas and New Year (known as “betwixmas” or just “twixmas”) at home. Personally I like to use this time to decompress, as well as to plan and prepare for the year ahead. You might also like to give the house a deep clean and/or do some decluttering.

• Routines. Twixmas is an interesting time of year when everything seems to go out the window. We’re post-Christmas but it isn’t quite New Year, so in my experience it’s best to stick to your normal routines as much as possible; this provides some structure in an otherwise topsy-turvy week.

• Avoid going shopping. I don’t necessarily have anything against post-Christmas purchases if you were going to buy the item anyway and you can get it at a great discount, but be mindful - are you simply shopping for the sake of it? Especially avoid malls and shopping centres if you have kids.

Aside from Christmas, if you’re after more tips and advice on how to make holidays slower, smaller, and simpler, I have some more suggestions below.

More tips & advice

• Be honest. Don’t feel up to hosting this year? No problem - “I’m not going to host Christmas/X this year” is a great way to state your boundaries and allow others the opportunity to step up to the plate.

• Routines. Keep up your normal routines as much as possible and if it has to change, write up a revised schedule each evening for the next day.

• Travel wisely. If you know you don’t do well with longer holidays, plan a few days away somewhere with autism-friendly activities (or opportunities to indulge in special interests). Stay somewhere quiet and secluded, and take your safe foods!

• Give yourself a buffer. If you’ve been travelling, schedule a day or two at home before going back to school/work. You may have to cut your holiday short to do this, but trust me, it makes all the difference!

• Don’t gift wrap. Save yourself the trouble and expense of buying wrapping paper (and the time spent wrapping!) and instead re-use gift bags, tags and other packaging supplies you have already.

• Stay away from the shops. Yes, there’s amazing bargains to be had at any special time of year, but do you really want to deal with the chaos of people and traffic? (Also, do you want to contribute to the consumerism?).

• Create a survival kit. I haven’t done this yet, but I want to create a small bag I can take with me on trips out with my essential oils, sunglasses, Loop earbuds, and anything else I might need on hand when I go out for the day or visiting people.

• Travel during school terms. I feel like this is becoming more common and accepted, but if you haven’t tried it I can assure you it’s a great way to ensure a quieter holiday, especially if you’re going to a popular holiday destination.

I also highly recommend Sarah-Louise’s video, which is aimed at giving advice to the family and friends of autistic people. Personally I gained insights from this video for myself, but you may find it helpful to send this video to your friends or to your family, especially if they’re hosting Christmas this year.

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I hope you found this post helpful and informative, and I look forward to seeing you in the comments! I would love for you to share how you cope with Christmas chaos - or do you “opt out” of Christmas altogether? ❄️ Let me know! And til next time - J x