Who even am I?
Societal pressure & expectation as an undiagnosed neurodivergent adult
FYI: this post was written prior to my autism & ADHD diagnosis. Please keep in mind whilst reading that I was in a state of deep burnout, which I wrote about here. I was (and still am) also going through a shift in identity, which is evolving and shifting even more since my diagnosis.
The light is streaming through my windows, and I'm exhausted yet again. I pushed myself too hard - again. I can hear my dog whining to come inside - again. She's wanting attention, affection, or a combination of both - again. In a moment I'll don my apron and make dinner - again. Then begins the nightly charade of three hours or so procrastinating until bedtime, pretending I'm doing something productive when really ALL THE THOUGHTS are whirling around my head THE WHOLE TIME, and who even am I?... I'm not sure this time.
I'm fully convinced and fully accepting of the fact that I am not a normal person, nor will I ever be - not at the expense of my soul. I can't seem to do what 'normal people' do, which is balance the world on one fingertip on one hand and spin it with the other, and keep it spinning while simultaneously jumping through hoops just like every other person considered sane and competent who fits into society as socially acceptable. I'm not socially acceptable. I probably never will be, and the weight of that is heavier than I think I even realise. My own flesh and blood don't know what to make of me, let alone general society. According to them all, the only place I belong is with the other outcasts. There we can console each other as all having one thing in common: we are the square pegs, the odd ones out, the kids nobody quite knew what to do with. Except we're not children anymore. We're grown adults without a map trying to navigate a society that prides itself on all the things we can't provide, rewards all of the output we can't give, measures success by all the things we don't care about, and only makes sense of what the general consensus considers sensible. But we don't make sense to anybody apart from ourselves and the other outcasts.
The alternative is to pretend - to go to the soul-sucking job and 'suck it up, sunshine', to go along with the baloney we see in the world around us. But it's simply not a sustainable course of action for someone like me. The pretence is too tiring, the demands are too draining, and we are far too sensible to continue to clock in and out of a society that is fundamentally flawed. We all want what's best. Me, and others like me, just have a very different idea of what best is.
Thank you for reading. I appreciate you being here 💛 Subscribe to receive future posts by email, or share with someone who you think would enjoy my writing. Leave a comment to let me know your thoughts - what was/is your experience prior to diagnosis?
i'm gonna cry, this is literally what i'm experiencing right now - i've always wondered about how people function and the ways they do and how easy they make it seem and how much grief it causes me that i can't - to be frank, dealing with the possibility of being neurodivergent is hard but we're getting there :] thank you for writing this, it means a lot to me.
This is also a very familiar feeling for me! Been in and out of deep burnout for years- hoping I'm on my way to recovery at the moment, but it's not easy- as you well know!